so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
