I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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