Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
