Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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