im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
