Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
