try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I deserve to be covered in dicks
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
