my soul wont recognize me after tonight
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
