I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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