I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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