You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
