What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
