Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Operation Purity has been aborted
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
