I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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