Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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