The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
