i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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