when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
