you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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