So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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