his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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