I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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