discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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