I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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