I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
