My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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