from now on my penis is your penis
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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