so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
