I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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