You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
