Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
