i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
