Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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