omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
