I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
