Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
