I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
