does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
