Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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