Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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