Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
