but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
