like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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