just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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