guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
