Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
