Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
