Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
