Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
