Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
