these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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