I am in a vortex of obligation.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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