You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
