I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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