Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
