you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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