his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
