I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
